


Unhealthy ways of dealing with life

by r_497385



Series: Depressedinnit stories ya'll could vent with oh yeah and sometimes implied deaths so *cackles* [3]
Category: Dream SMP - Fandom, Minecraft (Video Game), Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Angst and Feels, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotional Manipulation, Eventual Fluff, Gen, Heavy Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Abuse, Mind Manipulation, Parent Sam | Awesamdude, Past Abuse, Protective Sam | Awesamdude, Sad with a Happy Ending, Sam helps the child, Self-Destruction, Self-Hatred, This is heavy, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, adults like him smh, but it's gonna end up hopeful, depressedinnit gets the help he needs, lotsa crying, theorepay, this server needs more, uh big sad, yass we stan Sam trying his best, yesss
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-21
Updated: 2021-02-21
Packaged: 2021-03-18 07:22:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,368
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29605911
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/r_497385/pseuds/r_497385
Summary: Sam notices Tommy's weird habit of visiting Dream every chance that he gets.Exiting out looking both exhausted, and relaxed at the same time.He feels something is wrong.And oh boy was he not ready to find out.
Relationships: Sam | Awesamdude & TommyInnit
Series: Depressedinnit stories ya'll could vent with oh yeah and sometimes implied deaths so *cackles* [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2181993
Comments: 15
Kudos: 409
Collections: Completed stories I've read, MCYT Fic Rec





	Unhealthy ways of dealing with life

**Author's Note:**

> Ey this is long.
> 
> Believe me when I say this is sad. Prepare your hearts my peeps.
> 
> This hurt me.
> 
> Tw: effects of abuse, manipulation, very very unhealthy coping mechanisms, hints of self-destructive tendencies, and maybe slightly dissociative behaviour.

It hadn't been that hard to notice that something was wrong.

  
Sam had been the first to notice the after effects than anyone else after all. Being the warden and whatnot, unable to do anything drastic, which he was sure Tommy used to his full advantage. Exiting the walls of the prison with crossed arms and becoming the most quiet he's ever been.

  
When Sam brung it up a few times, Tommy would lean back in his chair, silent as he brushed it off with a simple, 'I just missed him'. 

Pretending not to notice how Sam's grip on his fork tightened. Swallowing back the food on his plate as the subject was dropped once more.

Often times letting the subject drop as time went over with Tommy's growing visits.

Sam then brings it up again. Incapable of holding in his worries. Softening his tone, with a gentle firmness in his words that he likes to think would soothe anyone down, whilst still able to coerse them in an open discussion. Sam was surprised however, when he was met with a completely different response.

  
Tommy had given him the most blank expression he's ever seen on the boy ever since they've met. Shrugging in the most flippant manner possible, even with Sam's concerned voice telling him he shouldn't be anywhere near his past abuser, especially with his level of frequency.

Sam's skin crackles and hisses whenever Tommy mentions how he was used to people's crummy treatment. Past memories of different people doing different things to reprimand him everytime he misbehaved. How he was completely _fine_ with the idea of _physical restriction_ or even _degradation_.

  
Tommy flinches every single time a hiss would be heard across the empty room with just the two of them occupying it, despite claiming he was completely fine with anything regarding skin contact. 

Curse him and his hybrid tendencies. Sam has made it clear between them that it was _never ever_ directed at Tommy though. Not him.

  
Tommy had been skeptical of that for the longest time. Sam having to talk to him with a stern tone, almost with an edge Tommy knew would be easy to tip off if he said the wrong thing.

  
Even so, Tommy seemed to have relaxed more at Sam's hard edged tone. His shoulders going lax against the chair, like he was way more used to this tone of voice than his softer ones.

  
It painfully made Sam recall a conversation they had before that's ingrained itself on the back of Sam's mind.

  
_"You can do it, you know." Tommy says with such a subdued, and calm tone. Conversing quietly as he awaits for Sam's response._

  
_"Do...what?" The man spoke, expression one out of confusion, turning into something that Tommy doesn't handle too well. Cursing himself as he failed to keep the gentleness in his tone and had instead came off sounding slightly tense._

  
_Tommy stays silent. Looking down as he answers Sam's inquiry._

_"Hit me." Tommy whispers softly. Not once making eye contact with the man before him. Crackling sounds of skin entered his ears, but the stress was rolling off his shoulders as if saying that had helped him relax. While it was easy to form the words on Tommy's side, Sam could only feel poisonous arrows starting to stab him repeatedly as his hands curled around themselves tightly._

  
_His thoughts spiralled down as Tommy kept silent. Had he just heard him right? Had Tommy said that he was fine with Sam hitting him? Genuinely hit him?_

_Sam's skin starts to hiss, beginning to show signs of igniting, signaling his body to do something before the fuse was lit, objections fiercely testing its intensity from the back of his throat if need be._

  
_Before he could even manage that, Tommy had beat him to it._

  
_"I think it's an okay punishment. I haven't exactly been the best 16 year old honestly. You could always do it whenever I'm being bad, I'm fine with it. It would certainly bring me back to how things were before...." A laugh rolling off Tommy's tongue like it was the most normal thing to be joking about. Like it was an okay thing to laugh at. Like it didn't make Sam's skin bristle with fire._

  
_Smiling tenderly to himself like he likes that idea. Eyes still downcast until a harsh clang sounded through their dining room._

_Blue eyes snapped up, fear turning it a shade darker as he instinctively shut his eyes tightly. Anticipating a hit to come hearing Sam's sudden movements, moving across the room to where Tommy sat still on his chair._

  
_Hands digging deeper into his sleeves. A habit he did religiously because it won't be known to anyone if the skin had bled underneath the soft materials of fabric he wore to cover whatever mess was hidden under them._

  
_The harsh sound of skin meeting skin never met, leaving Tommy in complete shock as he opened his blue eyes only to meet Sam's green shirt pressed up to his nose._

  
_The man had grabbed Tommy and brung his face close in his chest. For a while, the only thing Tommy notices were sounds of Sam's steady heartbeat, somehow similar to the rhythm of his crackling skin. Muttering a hard, and stern, "No." In Tommy's ear that left no room for argument._

_The blonde could only slump in Sam's hold, unsure of what to make of Sam's decision, so he does the only thing he could._

  
_He nods in Sam's tightening hug, keeping himself quiet as Sam continues to card his hand through his fluffy hair._

  
The memory sparked only bad things inside of him that Sam was absolutely not keen on addressing, let alone remember.

  
Being a creeper hybrid meant he has a slight temper, even if that was outweighed by his own patience and caring nature, there were certain things that pushed even past his boundaries. He has a limit too.

Not wanting to lash out, especially to the wrong people because of his own stress, Sam stops Tommy dead in his tracks after the blonde had done his daily visit.

  
Hands resting on his hips, praying that his shoulders didn't seem too rigid and tense so as to not to intimidate the boy any further.

  
For the most part, Tommy just stayed silent. Waiting for Sam to say whatever he needed to say, judging from how tense the man had looked. Leaning in closer. Anticipation hanging on his actions as he wondered to himself if Sam was finally going to do it. If the man was finally going hit him. Surely he wanted to talk to Tommy because he was pissed, he looked stressed after all.

A wave of disappointment hit him when Tommy sees the heavily stressed, concerned look Sam gave his direction.

  
" _Tommy_." Sam stressed out his name like it physically weighed him down just by saying it.

  
Said boy looked up. Mouth still sealed shut. It was highly disconcerting, Tommy being this quiet, it made Sam want to scream in frustration.

  
But he pushed that urge away, managing to ask the thing he's been wanting to for such a long time.

  
" _What's wrong,_ Tommy?" The words escaped him sounding more desperate than he thought it would.

  
Tommy shifts his gaze so that their eyes couldn't meet. Again, crossing his arms over his chest as he dug his fingers through the thin layer of fabric.

  
Overwhelmed with stress, Sam approaches Tommy out of pure instinct, hands grabbing Tommy's to let them fall on his sides instead. His grip had tightened itself on Tommy's wrists in the process, Tommy's sharp intake of breath not enough to snap him out of his frantic fervor. Fueled with too much strain and stress, as he keeps Tommy's hands from doing anything harmful. 

  
The pressure on Tommy's wrists slowly loosened when Sam leveled their gazes in order to get a better look at Tommy's eyes.

  
A sick twist hit his stomach in waves, nearly knocking him off his feet completely when he found Tommy's fierce gaze. Trained on his tight grip both on Tommy's wrists. Looking anticipating, almost- almost- _eager_ . As if he was _expecting **something**_ when Sam had made a move to grasp at his hands tight enough they could bruise.

  
The hybrid's hands felt like they were doused in cold ice, different than that of a creepers usual explosive skin as he immediatly let go. Lips shaking when Tommy looked so disappointed over something he knew Sam would never do.

_Far away from them, an explosion could be heard, a small crater left in its wake of what one could only assume would be the doings of a creeper._

Hands climbing on Tommy's shoulders. Squeezing them, yet not with the same intensity as before in fear of doing the same thing, Sam forces Tommy to look him in the eyes.

The most frantic and desperate look on his face that made Tommy flinch. He wasn't used to people worrying over him. Especially to this extent, but Sam was not having any of it, so he raises his voice a pitch.

  
Not a scream, but it might as well be with how frantic the man sounds.

  
" _Tommy_. _Please_ kid. I don't know what's been going on with you lately," Sam pauses to make sure Tommy was aware of how much he means it, how much he's been feeling like Tommy is straying away from him like he was slowly losing his grip on the boy.

  
Catching his attention, Tommy's eyes briefly flash in curiosity in a gesture of encouragement for the man to continue.

  
Continue he did.  
"I- I don't get what you've been doing in there with him. After all he's done, why are you still visiting him Toms?" A squeeze was sent Tommy's way. Feeling pressure build up his throat as Sam looked at him with wide pleading eyes. Reminding him of a spooked parent over their child's supposed safety.

But Tommy wasn't in any real danger, so why bother?

  
" _I miss him_." Answered Tommy. Short. Straight to the point. Devoid of any sort of emotion Sam could dissect through.

  
Exaspiration burst into different expressions settling on Sam's face while he desperately wishes Tommy would just stop saying that every single time he asked. His skin is already rearranging themselves in anticipation of a blow, an occurence Sam heavily dreaded and was highly avoiding as he hurls more words, so much emotion dripping from them Tommy just couldn't help but finally answer.

  
"Toms. _Please_. I just want to _help_ you _. I just want you to be okay again_." Sam says, sincerity lacing the words, a heavy weight pressuring them, sounding all the more emotional. Genuine, it grated at Tommy's ears and broke through him in an answer.

"You _could_ help me." Whispered the blonde quietly.

  
The older man curls his fingers on Tommy's shoulder as he gestured mutely for the boy to elaborate. To give him a hint. Something, anything he could help with at all.

  
The next thing Sam knows, a feeling of dread cut through his breath. 

"I want you to tell me how bad I've been Sam." The man had to blink several times or else his eyes might fall out of their sockets at how big he strains to open them.

"W-what?" Sam swallows thickly as he repeated Tommy's request in his head.

Hearing it again only making it worse.

"I want you to tell me how bad I really am Sam. That way, you could stop me from going back to...to Dream..." Tommy explains softly. Meeting Sam's horrified gaze as the man put the pieces together and finally figures out what Tommy has been doing all this time.

  
_To go back to Dream he said._

  
Something clogs his throat and Sam found himself unable to do anything except listening to Tommy's painful confessions, each statement bringing more and more pressure against his chest. 

  
With Tommy's cold hand resting itself against Sam's.

  
Sighing to himself, Tommy smiles timidly at Sam's horror stricken expression.

  
"I miss Dream...I...I genuinely do...I miss how he used to tell me nothing but the truth. How he never lies about how _terrible_ , and _bad_ I am. He never fails to tell me how pathetic and weak I am..." Tommy trails off, eyes dazed, a nostalgic hint to them Sam wants to never ever see again till the day he dies.

  
"...it _grounds_ me Sam." Tommy finishes with a shaky chuckle, desperation coating those dull blue eyes of his, now being the one begging for Sam to do something about it. Sam finds his heart twisting and crushing between his ribcage, body frozen over.

"It reminds me of the truth. Reminds me how I truly am and how others see me. It-It honestly... _comforts_ me...it _helps_ me go throughout my day knowing I'm always at my worst, so that I wouldn't go around doing anything stupid with that fiery self-confidence I lost..." Chuckling dryly to himself, ignoring the way Sam's hands started to shake. 

  
"People need to constantly reprimand me. And that's _okay_. I wouldn't want me running around and ruining people's lives after all." A wholehearted laugh escaped him before he could hold it in.

  
It sounded distantly bitter. But Tommy knows this was the only way he could cope.

  
"So _please_. If you _really_ want to help me, tell me something bad Sam. _Tell me I'm the worst_. Tell me anything that I did that has made you annoyed before. Just let it all out." Tommy pleads with a strained smile. Gentle and accepting.

Contrasting Sam's horrified face, mouth hanging agape as he processed the request. Feeling everything crash down on him skin no longer bristling, instead feeling chilly and ice cold. Heart beating wildly, so much pain squeezing at his heart.

  
Sam shakes, and he forces himself to stay quiet. His eyes were desperate, he was horrified, and he couldn't for the love of God do anything for Tommy. Not like this.

  
Tommy presses further with a final, " _please_ " that finally breaks Sam's resolve into nothing but dust.

  
A final push was all it took for Sam to reach out. Pulling Tommy in a deep hug. Refusing to let go.

Breathing in deeply the blonde's scent in order to calm himself down.

  
He feels suffocated, Tommy's words were _hurting_ him, pain unlike any other gripping at him as if he wasn't worried enough.

  
Moments of terse silence fell between them, the vibrations in Sam's chest decreasing before Sam finally breaks their shared silence with a soft,

"Okay."

Tommy was surprised, but pleasantly so.

Smiling shakily in the man's shoulder. Closing his eyes awaiting the hurtful words he knew Sam has been holding back from saying.

  
Tommy couldn't help but cry. Silent, and appreciative.

  
"Tommy...you're.... _selfish_." Sam says, eerily calm.

  
A pang hit Tommy's heart. Breaking it in two despite being the one asking for it in the first place. Tears glided down his cheeks while he feels warmth and dreadful fear simultaneously bloom in his chest. Warmth at the familiar words he had grown so used to, but dread at the person saying it.

  
Then, Sam continues.

"You want things to always go your way. You want to gain happiness all the time..."

Tommy inhales a shaky breath through his lips. Nodding in confirmation, weakly clutching Sam's front with his thin fingers.

  
"...Because all you ever want is your friends to be happy." 

An unknown feeling flourished inside of Tommy, his eyes snapping open, shock painted clearly on the blonde's wet face. Holding in his breath as he waits for whatever Sam has to say next.

  
" _Because you're selfishly selfless, Tommy._ "  
Sam says firmly. Tommy biting on his lips harshly in order not to sob. Heart thumping and working in his chest like he was going into cardiac arrest.   
"You're only selfish because you want all of your friends to be happy. Whatever the cost is. And that makes you selfish in everyone's eyes. The way you do things makes you look selfish, but really, you're only doing this for everyone else. You try, for everyone, _not even for yourself_. Tommy." The hug tightens, gratefulness surging through Tommy as he feels his knees buckle underneath him.

  
The words _hurt_. They sound like a fucking lie. 

Sam inhales quietly, resting his chin on Tommy's trembling figure. Blonde tufts of hair poking him in the process. Soothing him.

  
"You're _rude_. You always say what's on your mind, _so you're never fake_. You never pretend, and always make sure people know where you stand because you don't ever want to betray, or get betrayed."

  
A pause. The only sound surrounding them was Tommy's ragged breathing. Growing louder the longer Sam goes on.

  
"You're _loud_ , consistently making jokes, trying to annoy people. Because you want them to loosen up. You don't want anyone to feel sad, you want them to stop reminiscing of bad things so you distract them. Even when you're secretly doing the same thing." 

  
Tommy bites back a violent sob. Kness failing him as he slid down the ground, Sam catching him by his arms. Still connected by their hug, stubbornly continuing to express his mind until Tommy would understand.

  
"You're _pathetic_. Only because you won't acknowledge that you have feelings too. You don't want to tend to your feelings, and that makes you pathetic in a sense, when you should've been taking better care of yourself. You're unable to, but that never means you can't change it." 

Sam spoke again. Words spilling nothing but the truth. Keeping Tommy in place as the boy desperately cries in Sam's chest, body weak, emotions that were new to him forcing him to cry it out because he just couldn't hold it in.

Tommy was starting to understand, he was starting to believe, and he was so scared of losing his perfectly healthy coping mechanism as Sam broke it down in a matter of a few sentences. It hurts to know Sam thinks of him differently, like Tommy was still worth the praises, or the chance to feel happy. It's not at all what he's used to, but he remembers wanting to for the longest times, he just resolves into sobbing for he can not stop listening to Sam's words, hoping so _bad_ they were the _truth_.

Sam notices how hard Tommy cries. How hard he tries to ignore Sam's words. But the man sees this as a chance to proof to Tommy how he was still just a kid, doing his best, being the best, for everyone when no one seemed to acknowledge it.

  
So he ignores his own tears as he hugs Tommy again. Softly cradling his now perfectly normal, uncrackling, unexplosive skin, into Tommy's blonde hair while Tommy clutches his shirt so hard it almost rips.

  
"You're _weak_..." Sam trails off, unable to hide the shakiness in them. Catching his own breath, blinking away the tears as he pushed out the very last thing he needs to say.

  
"Because you never let anyone help build you up. Because you never let anyone help you when you need it so much. Tommy. People, are born with a fault, but yours were a product of your best traits. People can say what they want, but believe me, _you're so great_ Tommy. _You are absolutely wonderful,_ I promise you. _I'll help. Because you need it._ " Tommy chokes, full on sobbing now. Holding onto Sam who was holding him back just as tight.

"Then...we can change, and you'll see just how much of a great person you are Tommy. You have too much of a big heart Toms. People just use it to their advantages. They're the bad ones, okay Tommy? You know this, and I'll make sure to remind you everyday until you can say it on your own." Sam says with conviction, fiery determination burning through the words, peering down at Tommy's shaking form.

If there was a smile tugging on the blonde's lips, no matter how shaky and unsure, Sam thinks he could ignore the tears gliding down his cheeks as they stayed there tangled in each other's arms.

**Author's Note:**

> :")
> 
> Did this emotionally destroy you? Because it sure as hell destroyed me :"D
> 
> Sorry Sam, mans is suffering always guys.
> 
> Oh my God, holy shit, I FUCKED UP THE TAGS, awh lord I only noticed this while I read the comments my god I am sorry hshshsh that legit wasn't supposed to be there 😂
> 
> I'm glad this was worth your time, comments make me rlly happy so thank u for the ones who have commented already and the ones who will be I rlly love reading what you guys think ❤


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